Stop "Should-ing" Yourself

Many of us "should" ourselves every day. It's a pervasive and often harmful habit. It is important to be aware of these unrealistic standards we set for ourselves and learn how to free ourselves from the "should" trap.

"Should-ing" yourself is a concept used to describe the tendency to impose unrealistic or excessive expectations on ourselves. It's when you constantly tell yourself that you "should" do this or "shouldn't" do that. Let's acknowledge that both of these statements often lead to shame, guilt, anxiety, and stress.

While setting goals and having expectations can be motivating, there's a fine line between constructive motivation and harmful self-criticism. "Should-ing" yourself often relates to perfectionism, which can be paralyzing and lead to chronic dissatisfaction and low self-esteem. "Should" statements often set up unrealistic expectations, leading to chronic feelings of failure, guilt, and/or shame. "Should" is often based on comparing yourself to others or what you believe others expect. This type of comparison trap may lead you to jump to unfair conclusions about yourself. That's just rude!

So, how can you break free from "should?" 

1. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a friend. Recognize that you're human and no human is perfect.

2. Challenge Your Beliefs: When you catch yourself saying, "I should do this," ask yourself, "why?" Is it because it aligns with your values and goals, or is it an expectation coming from something/somewhere else? Challenge the validity of your "should" statements.

3. Set Realistic Goals: If something is genuinely important to you, set realistic and achievable goals. Break them down into smaller, manageable steps, and celebrate your progress along the way.

4. Change Your Language: Replace "should" with more empowering and flexible words like "choose to," "want to," or "would like to." This shifts the focus from obligation to choice.

5. Focus on Values: Instead of "should-ing" yourself based on others' expectations, identify your own values and what truly matters to you. Align your actions with your values, not your perception of someone else's standards.

6. Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. When you notice "should" thoughts, don't judge them. Instead, acknowledge them and let them pass without attachment.

Remember that letting go of the "should" mindset is a process, not an event. It takes time and effort to change habituated thought patterns, so be patient with yourself. Your mental health and well-being will benefit from the shift toward acceptance and self-compassion.

Next
Next

Mental Health & the Barbie Movie