How to Stop Shoulding Yourself: Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations and Reclaim Your Mental Health
Many of us fall into the habit of “should-ing” ourselves every day. It’s a sneaky and often harmful thought pattern—one that quietly erodes our self-worth and adds unnecessary pressure. If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “I should be more productive,” or “I shouldn’t feel this way,” you’re not alone. But these internal messages can do more harm than good.
What Does It Mean to “Should” Yourself?
“Should-ing” yourself is the habit of imposing unrealistic or rigid expectations on your thoughts, behaviors, or emotions. These internal “rules” can sound like:
I should have it all together.
I shouldn’t need help.
I should be over this by now.
While setting goals can be healthy, “should” statements often stem from perfectionism, comparison, or internalized pressure to meet someone else’s standards. The result? Feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, or chronic dissatisfaction.
Over time, this mental pattern can impact your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even your motivation. You may start to feel like nothing you do is ever enough—and that’s simply not true.
Perfectionism, Comparison, and the Problem With “Should”
Perfectionism and the fear of not measuring up often fuel the “should” mindset. We compare ourselves to others or to some ideal version of who we think we’re supposed to be. But these comparisons are rarely fair—or helpful.
And let’s be real: the inner critic that says “you should be doing more” isn’t exactly the kindest motivator. In fact, it often leads to burnout, procrastination, or feeling stuck.
So… how do we stop “should-ing” ourselves and start showing up with more self-acceptance?
Here are 6 Practical Ways to Break Free From the “Should” Trap
Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same warmth and understanding you’d offer a close friend. You are human. That means you’re allowed to make mistakes, have needs, and be imperfect. (In fact, it’s kind of the whole deal.)
Challenge the “Should”
When you catch yourself thinking, “I should do this,” ask: “Says who?” Is this expectation coming from your own values—or from external pressure, fear, or old conditioning? Give yourself permission to question the rules you’re living by.
Set Realistic, Value-Driven Goals
If something is important to you, approach it with intention—not guilt. Break your goals down into manageable steps and celebrate progress, not perfection.
Shift Your Language
Words matter. Try swapping “should” with phrases like “I choose to,” “I want to,” or “I’d like to.” It puts you back in the driver’s seat of your life—because you are.
Reconnect With Your Core Values
Instead of chasing someone else’s definition of “enough,” take time to reflect on what truly matters to you. When your actions align with your values, life feels less like a performance—and more like your own.
Practice Mindfulness
Get curious about your thought patterns without judging them. When a “should” thought arises, gently notice it, name it, and let it pass. Mindfulness builds awareness, and awareness is what helps us choose differently.
Healing the Habit of Self-Criticism Takes Time
Letting go of the “should” mindset is a process—not a one-time decision. These patterns are often deeply ingrained, and it’s okay if it takes time to unlearn them. Be patient with yourself. Every moment you choose self-compassion over self-criticism is a step toward greater mental wellness.
You deserve to feel free from the pressure of being someone you’re not. And the good news? You already have everything you need to start living from a place of self-trust, not self-judgment.